Title: You'll never be alone Fox
Author: Josie Marchant
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Chris Carter, I have borrowed them, don't sue me, I can't afford it!
Summary: Mulder fights against an enemy inside of him
Keywords: Character death, this one's sad
Mulder put his files down on his desk,
he looked at the mountain of paperwork and sighed, he couldn't
believe how much he had to get through, as Scully came in through
the door he looked up at her.
"Hey Mulder, are you all right?" she asked him "you look kind of pale" She sat down opposite him.
"I've got a headache, but I think that's work related" he smiled and gestured at the pile of papers on his desk. "This is just not funny, you don't fancy giving me a hand do you?" he gave a hopeful smile at her. Scully nodded and took some of the files from him. "You're too good to me" he laughed. Scully rolled her eyes, she knew that she was too good to him, but she figured what the hell.
"What shall we do for lunch today Mulder?" she asked him, "I fancy going to a nice cafe or something, what about you?"
"I'm not really too hungry today Scully, but I guess I could get a coffee" Mulder nodded.
"It's only 8am yet, you'll be hungry at lunchtime won't you" Scully sighed, "are you sure you're all right, you look like you could be sickening for something if you ask me" Scully came marching towards him in doctor mode, Mulder sank back in his chair, not really wanting to be doctored. Scully felt his head, "hmm, no temperature, but you look really anaemic, why don't you go home?" Mulder picked up the files and waved them at Scully. "I'll take care of those, you go home and get some sleep. When did you last go to sleep Mulder?" Scully knew that he was a major insomniac. He shrugged in reply. "I see" Scully sighed, "You really should see someone about that, you can't keep going on without sleeping"
"I have for the past 20 years" Mulder sighed, "Scully I'm fine, quit fussing, I've got work to do, I'm here to do it" he opened the file. Scully sighed, she knew there was no telling him and so she just gave up.
The day went on, and lunchtime came around quite rapidly. Scully got her coat and dragged Mulder to a cafe, she made him eat a sandwich, well at least order it, he sat there and stared at it as if it were a lethal enemy.
"Mulder, will you eat it" she sighed. "What's wrong?"
"I..um...I don't know, I feel really light..he..aded" he went to stand up and ended up collapsing, dragging the table cloth with him plus the coffee cups.
"Mulder!" Scully bent down by him, "Mulder can you hear me?" he didn't respond to her, he just gave a groan. "Call 911 someone!" Scully shouted. "Shit, come on Mulder, you'll be all right" she lifted his head onto her lap. He suddenly opened his eyes slightly.
"What...hap..pened?" he asked.
"Mulder you collapsed, stay still an ambulance is coming, just don't move" she held onto his hand. Mulder obliged and lay there as they waited for him to be taken to the hospital. They came quite quickly and they travelled to Washington General hospital.
Once there they took Mulder off and did lots of tests, one of them being a PET scan and they took several blood samples. Mulder seemed a lot more coherent as he waited patiently with Scully for the results.
"It's lack of sleep Scully, I'm fine" he looked at her "stop looking so worried for Christ's sake, you're scaring me now" he smiled. "Hey" he saw the look on her face and took her hand "I'll be fine" he grinned. "Hey Doc" he looked at the doctor as he came in "so can I go home now?" he knew the doctor as he'd treated him for a gunshot wound last year.
"No Fox, I'm afraid not" he said quietly, Mulder's face contorted into a frown. "Fox, we've got the results of your tests here and We've seen something that is causing us concern"
"What?" he sat up and stared at the doctor "what have you seen?"
"This" he showed Mulder the Xray of his skull "here, at the base of your brain stem, there is a mass"
"A mass?" Mulder swallowed, "what of?"
"Fox, it looks like a tumor"
"Well, take it out then" he lay back, "knock me out, whip it out, simple hey?" he gave a nervous giggle.
"We can't Fox, it's in too vital an area, if we cut into there, it would snap the brain stem, it appears to be attatched to to it, we can't remove it, we have to treat it. A cancer is a huge abnormality in the division of cells, if we can break that down and stop it enlarging , then that's all well and good, but we will have to treat it, and soon. I want to start you on some chemo tomorrow" the doctor put his hand on Mulder's shoulder "I'm sorry Fox" he sighed. "I'll get someone to move you up to the oncology unit soon" he patted his shoulder. Mulder turned and looked at Scully, his face crumpled into tears.
"Mulder" Scully took him into her arms and kissed his head. "You can get through this, I got through it with you, you can do it with me" she held onto him. "You've got to be brave" he sat up and rubbed his eyes.
"I feel fine, maybe they've made a mistake, I...I...I can't be sick Scully, I can't be sick"
"You can Mulder, and you are. I'm with you Mulder, all the way"
"Thanks" he hugged her again. "I'm scared"
"I know, I was too, and I'm still here, I'm fine now, thanks to you" she smiled. "I'll never leave you Mulder, I promise you that" she kissed his head "You'll never be alone Fox"
Three weeks of the treatment made Mulder very ill indeed, he was sick and had very little strength in him, and he was so afraid. Scully was with him all the times that she could be. Walter Skinner was also in and out of the hospital. Mulder and Scully were more than just Agents to him, they were friends. And he was devastated to see Mulder in the state he was in.
"Hello there" Scully poked her head around his bedroom door, she beamed at him. Her smile always made things better for him, he slowly and weakly reached out his hand to her. She came and took it. "How are you feeling sweetheart?" she kissed his hand.
"Co..ol" he murmured. "I can...come home..tomorrow...I.." he stopped as he was already tired. Scully smiled at him and stroked his hair which was thinning with the drugs.
"You're going to come home with me Mulder, to my Moms, she wants you to"
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah she's set up the spare room for you and.." He suddenly gave a cough which rattled in his chest, he looked in pain.
"oh....sorry" he said "didn't mean...to...interupt" he wheezed. Scully smiled at him, she was trying not to show him that she was upset, as he was being so brave. But to see him lying there in the bed, so very thin and weak, was soul destroying.
"That's all right Fox, don't worry about it" she whispered. "and your Mom's flying over too Fox, on Thursday"
"Mmm" he closed his eyes. Scully gently stroked his cheek. She knew it and he knew it that the treatment wasn't working, there was no reduction in the size of the tumor and he was getting weaker and weaker. The doctors were letting him go home so that he could be in comfortable surroundings. Scully dried her eyes and sat there with him as he slept.
The next morning Walter Skinner came in to help Mrs Scully and her daughter take Mulder to their house. He gently lifted Mulder up, he was so light that he couldn't believe it. Mulder rested his head against Walter's chest. He was breathing very heavily, and it was an effort for each breath to be taken. He had oxygen to be taken home with him and a network of drips. Scully was to take care of all his home medical needs.
They came out to the car and Walter put Mulder in the back seat. Scully sat with him in the back and he lay with his head on her lap.
"Can we ....pitch a baseball when we ge..t...home?" he asked her with a smile "I'll...beat you"
"Yeah, I know you would honey" she smiled at him. She held onto his hand tightly. "You've got to rest Fox, so you can get better, and back to work. You've got loads of paperwork you know" she laughed.
"What....you haven't done it....for me?" he asked her. Scully shook her head "oh...thanks..."
"Well. I didn't want you getting bored when you got back to the office" She laughed. "How do you feel about staying with us?"
"Gr...eat" he smiled "I expect...to...be...well...taken care...of" he grinned at her. Gently putting her hand on his cheek Scully stroked it. Mulder shut his eyes he felt very tired and sick, but the touch of Scully's hand on his cheek made him feel much better.
They arrived at the house and Walter opened the back door. Mulder tried to wriggle out of the seat himself. He put his hand on Walter's shoulder. Wheezing he looked up at him.
"Come on Fox, I'll carry you in" he lifted him up again and took him into the house. Mulder held onto him and sighed as he was taken into the house. He felt useless, he had so little energy that he couldn't walk and he couldn't do anything much any more. It was such a change from last month when he'd been so fit and healthy. Walter put him down on the settee, Scully pulled a cover over him and fluffed up his pillows. He lay back and gave another wheeze.
"Come on, let's get this on you Mulder" Scully set up the oxygen, he was too weak to argue about it, plus he felt so short of breath that he needed it. "You o.k?" she asked him quietly. He gave a slight smile.
"Will you sit...with me?" he asked her quietly.
"Of course I will, I'm not going anywhere" she lifted his weak frame into her arms and held him. He rested his head on her shoulder, burying his face deep into her neck. "I've got you Mulder, I've got you"
"Hey kids" Maggie Scully came wandering in. "What do you want for lunch?"
"Whatever Mom, what do you have?" Scully smiled at her Mother.
"Well, I thought some homemade soup. Do you think you could keep that down Fox honey?" she came over to him and stroked his cheek.
"I'll try" he replied. "Thanks"
"O.k, I'll get cracking on that then. Walter you're welcome to stay for lunch"
"Thanks very much, but I have to get back to the bureau, I've got some stuff to do, thanks anyway. I'll see you soon Fox" he bent down by him and gripped his hand. "You behave yourself here now"
"Sure thing....Sir" Mulder coughed.
"Fox, call me Walter out of the office" Skinner smiled. "I'll see you later" he patted his shoulder, "bye Dana, bye Maggie"
"See you Walter" he showed himself out of the house.
"Dana could you give me a hand a minute" Maggie called.
"Coming Mom, back in a minute" she whispered to Mulder. She went into the kitchen to help her Mother chop the vegetables. Maggie looked at her daughter and put her hand on her shoulder.
"Are you all right Dana?"
"Yes, I'm fine Mom, I just hate seeing him like this" she got her knife and chopped at the carrots. "I think that it's good that his Mom's coming tomorrow, I think it's not going to be long to be honest Mom"
"You don't know that Dana" Maggie sighed "you pulled through when they said there was no hope" she had tears in her eyes. "Fox is a strong young man, he won't go without a fight"
"Mom, he's lost all his fighting spirit, he's tired now, and he's weak. I think that he knows what's got to happen" Scully couldn't hold it in any more and she broke down.
"Mom..I don't want him to see me like this, I..." she ran up to her room.
"Sc..ully?" Mulder called quietly. Maggie went into the room with him. "What's she doing?" he asked.
"Just going to the bathroom Fox" Maggie bent down by him. "How are you feeling?" she asked him, she gently fondled his hair.
"I've...been better....I...I'm so tired Mrs Scully....I'm...tired of this"
"Now Fox, listen to me honey, you are not going to give up, I believe in you, and I know that Dana believes in you. So you have to believe in you. You are sick at the moment, but you can get better, Dana came back from the brink, you can too. I refuse to believe anything else. I know how much my daughter loves you, and your Mom, and I do too Fox, so you will damn well get better. You hear me?"
"Yes...Ma'am" he smiled slightly. "Oh...ow" he groaned.
"O.k, it's time for the painkillers again is it sweetie?"
"Yeah" Mulder gritted his teeth, the pain was sometimes unbearable. Scully suddenly came wandering back in, she had dried her eyes and fixed a smile on her face.
"You need your painkiller?" she said to him.
"Pl..ease" he nodded. Suddenly the phone rang and Mrs Scully went to answer it.
"Sure" she got her doctor's bag and filled up the syringe with a morphine based painkiller, it always made him kind of dopey, but it helped ease the agony that he was in. "O.k, this will sting a little Mulder, there we go, good" she rubbed his arm. She saw his pupils dilate as the drug entered his bloodstream. "O.k now?" she asked him.
"Mmm" he shut his eyes. "Dandy" he wheezed.
"Good" she kissed his head gently. Mrs Scully came back into the room
"Your Mom will be here at about 11:30 tonight Fox" she announced.
"Yes, she's managed to get an earlier flight"
"Oh...oh..that's...nice" he was drifting a little because of the drugs. "Can...I lie...on you?" he asked Scully.
"Yeah, come on" Scully lifted him up a little and sat down, he lay back in her arms. "Comfy?" she asked him. He nodded, and snuggled into her. She held onto him securely, she couldn't let him know how upset she actually was.
"Honey, the soups ready" Mrs Scully came out with it, she put Mulder's in a mug for him, Scully took it and gently put it to his lips. "I've cooled it down a little for him"
"You drink some Mulder, can you manage?" he gulped down the soup a little, he only managed a few mouthfuls of it.
"I'm...so...sleepy.." he had tears rolling down his cheeks. "I'm...sorry" he cried.
"It's all right, don't worry about it Fox, shh" Mrs Scully gently stroked his face "it's all right, Dana honey should we put him to bed, he's exhausted"
"He can sleep on me, I'm not going anywhere for a while Mom" she looked at her Mother with tears in her eyes. "He's comfortable here, I'll leave him be" she kissed his head. Mulder had drifted off into a sleep. At least he could take some comfort in his Mother when she arrived later on. Scully held onto him and thought back to all the times they had had together, the number of times he had saved her life. It was infact Mulder who found a cure for her own cancer and sent it into remission. He had always been there for her, he was he best friend and she loved him so much. Thinking about life without him was just an unbearable thought for her. She wished that she could hold onto him forever, never to let go, she didn't want to let him go. She couldn't let him go.
Elizabeth Mulder arrived at the Scully household at around 11:00 pm that night. She came in and was welcomed by Maggie Scully and her daughter.
"Hello, I'm sorry that you have to come here in such circumstances" Maggie said to her. "Fox is being a brave boy" she smiled.
"Where is he?" Elizabeth asked. Maggie took her coat from her and hung it up in the cupboard under the stairs. Scully led Elizabeth to the front room, where Mulder lay, he looked at his Mother and gave a smile. "Hello Fox honey" she came over to him and bent down by him. "How's my baby?" she asked him. She saw the tears start to flood his eyes, scooping him into her arms she hugged him very tightly.
"I'm......so.....sc..scared Mommy" he sobbed. "I don't want...to...d..d..die" he cried.
"I know" Elizabeth kissed his head. "Fox, I'm here sweetheart, it's o.k my darling, it's o.k" Scully watched them from the corner of the room. Mulder really did look like a little child, he held onto his Mother tightly.
"Momma....I feel sick" he suddenly said quietly.
"Dana, do you have a bowl, I think he's going to be sick" Elizabeth asked her. Scully ran and came back with a bowl which she handed to Elizabeth. Mulder leant over and was quite violently sick. He cried and screamed in pain, the retching was hurting him more than he could ever have imagined.
"Sc..Sc..Scully" he shouted. "He...help..m..me" he cried.
"I can't do anything Fox, I know it hurts, I know sweetheart" Scully rubbed his back. Elizabeth Mulder got up and quickly walked out of the room. Scully held onto Mulder as he vomitted. It just didn't seem to stop. He gradually stopped, he buried his head in Scully's chest and whimpered. He was in a great deal of pain and he just wanted it to end. "O.k Mulder, is the pain easing now?"
"Mmm" he looked up at her. She gently put her hand on his head and stroked his hair back from his face. "I'm so sorry that it hurts Fox" she whispered to him. "I wish I could make it stop"
"Upstairs for a minute"
"Never...could handle..it when I .....threw ...up" he gave a little smile. "Am...I going...to ...die..D..Dana?" he wheezed.
"I don't know Fox, maybe. I don't want you to be scared, I want you to know that I'm here with you" she kissed him "I love you" she whispered.
"Me too" he held onto her and gently rested his head against her shoulder. "If I die..I want...you to....take...care..of things..I..I don't think Mom is up to i..it" he wheezed. "I never thought....it would end like....this...you know?" he sighed "I....always...thought...I'd...be..shot...or..eaten or..something, not....this..not..so...weakly" he sighed.
"Mulder, you're talking as if you're already dead, you're not, and I don't want you to think like that, you have to fight, that's one thing I learnt when I was sick, and you told me it too. You have got to be positive" She gently rubbed his back. "I think we should put you in bed, you look like you need to have a proper sleep"
"O.k" he agreed. Scully called for her Mother and Mrs Mulder to help her, and together they carried him up to the spare room. Gently Mrs Mulder tucked him into bed. "Do I..get..a..story..too Mom" he smiled at her "I...think.....I.....need that...oxygen" he shut his eyes.
"Yeah, I know" Scully came and reattatched the oxgen tube."Do you want anyone to sit with you?"
"Mom" he looked at her "will you....stay?"
"Of course I will honey" she sat down on the bed by him and took his hand. Scully and her Mother decided to give Mother and son some privacy. So they left the bedroom. "Fox, you have got to be a brave boy" she said to him. "Be brave for Mom hey?"
"It...hurts...Mommy" he blinked as tears fell down his face. "It....hurts so much and I'm so scared, I can't stop being scared"
"I know Fox, but you have to be strong and fight this. I don't want to lose you, and I want you to promise me that you won't give up. I know that you are strong Fox, you had to be to have come out of your childhood as well as you have. I know that things were not easy for you Fox with your Father and I, I know that. And with Samantha.....Fox I've already lost one baby, please don't let me lose my other one" she leant in and kissed his head. The tears were streaming down Mulder's cheeks.
"Ho...hold...me..Mommy" he cried. Elizabeth Mulder nodded and wrapped her arms around her son. He cried hard into her, he couldn't help it. The pain was so great, as was the fear of what was going to happen to him. His Mother held him like a little child and rocked him in her arms, trying to sooth him like she did when he was a small boy with a nightmare. His cries lessened and Elizabeth realised that her son had fallen asleep in her arms. She didn't lay him back down for a while, she just wanted to hold him. When she shut her eyes she imagined that it wasn't her thirty six year old son that she was holding, but her six year old son Fox, who she was just comforting and that he was going to be all right. It was at this moment that she did realise how much she loved him, she was sad that it had taken something like this to make her realise that. She very gently laid him down in the bed and tucked the blankets around him. "Sleep well Sweetheart" she whispered.
The next morning Scully was up early to check on Mulder. She crept into the room trying not to wake him, but he was already awake.
"Hey" she sat down on the bed by him "how do you feel today?"
"Not...s..so good, I...I'm hot...too hot" he panted. Scully felt his head.
"Oh Jesus, I'll get you some water Fox" she went out and filled a glass. Coming back in she put it to his lips, he drank some and then lay back. "Do you feel nauseous?" he nodded slowly.
"You're all....hazy" he reached his hand up and she took it.
"O.k honey, it's all right" Scully kissed his hand. "You've got a bit of a fever here, I think we should get you into a bath to cool you down, is that o.k?" she asked him.
"Mmm, can you do...it....for me..Mom...used to wash behind...my ears" he gave a laugh and then a cough. "Oh....ow"
"Does it hurt a lot still?"
"Only...when I laugh" he gave a little smile. She smiled back at him. "I can't....stand this" he wheezed. "I'm tired....Scully"
"I know you are" Scully bent down by him. "Relax Fox, just rest o.k. Come on, I'm going to get you in a bath" she went to the bathroom and ran the bath. "You want bubbles?" she shouted.
"Whate...ver" Mulder replied.
"Fox honey, you're awake" Mrs Mulder came into the bedroom. "How are you this morning?"
"Hot, I've.....got a....feve..r" he sniffed. "Scully's about to cool me down....in the bath or...something"
"Wouldn't you rather I did that Fox sweetie?"
"No. Scully know's what she's doing" he shook his head. "You might want to help me walk to...the bathroom though" he smiled at his Mother. She nodded and helped him up. He held onto her tightly as she led him to the bathroom.
The bath was fairly uneventful, but it did nothing to cool Mulder down, he got hotter and hotter throughout the day and Scully was very worried about him.
At about 2 o'clock that afternoon, Mulder was laying across his Mother's lap on the couch, gasping and panting, his face dripped sweat and he writhed around in discomfort. Scully and her Mother had gone to the grocery store to get some supplies in.
Elizabeth Mulder gently mopped his brow with the damp washcloth. He was in tears, the pain was so much and he felt so sick.
"I'm..th..thirsty....Mom..Mommy" he cried. He kept calling her Mommy, which made Elizabeth hurt even more, it was like he was a little boy again.
"Here we are Fox, drink some of this then honey" she put a glass of water to his lips. He drank a small amount down, his breathing was shallow and scratchy. He buried his head in his Mother's side, wheezing and sobbing quietly.
Scully and her Mother returned shortly and on hearing Mulder's cries Scully immediately rushed to him. Feeling his head she was concerned.
"We have got to do something to bring his temperature down" she said. "Mulder, how's your vision sweetheart?"
"I...can se.e...two...of..you" he trailed off. "Make...it...stop" he howled, his cry was so pained, like that of a little child. His whole body was wracked with pain and sobs. He just wanted it to end there and then., the pain was too much for him to take.
"I'll get his shot" Scully went to the bag and filled up the syringe with morphine, she increased the dose slightly, it would make him less coherent, but in much less pain. "O.k sweetie, this'll sting a little" she swabbed his arm and gave him the shot. Within seconds, a glazed look came across his eyes. Elizabeth Mulder carressed his hair gently, he was soaking wet with sweat, and shivering at the same time.
"Can...we..go..to the...sea?" Mulder murmured.
"You want to go to the sea honey?" Elizabeth asked him. Mulder nodded slowly,
"For...the day...picnic" he wheezed.
"I'll see what I can do sweetheart" Elizabeth looked up at Scully who nodded in response.
It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and there was hardly a cloud in sight. The Scully's, Mrs Mulder and Walter Skinner got things organised for the picnic. Scully sat on the couch with Mulder, he was so weak. He had gotten worse over the last few days.
"We're going to the sea Mulder, it's all right honey" Scully whispered. "It's safe, we'll take
care of you" Mulder slowly nodded and smiled. He had lost nearly 50 lb's in weight and was pale and weak. But somehow he kept a smile, Scully always made him smile.
"Right then, you two ready?" Walter asked.
"Yeah, Fox?" Scully asked him.
"Mmm" he looked up at Walter Skinner who gave him a smile. "Come on then you" he said, gently scooping him up into his arms the AD carried him out to the car. Once they had got him settled he sat between Scully and his Mother. Elizabeth Mulder gently stroked his hair, he nuzzled against her, the smell of her perfume was bringing back childhood memories.
Arriving at their destination Maggie Scully and Elizabeth set up the picnic, they laid out the blanket on the beach and set out the food. Walter carried Mulder over and set him down on the rug. He lay on Scully's lap and looked up at her.
"How you doing?" She asked him with a smile.
"O.k, now...I'm here with..you" he murmured. Scully smiled and kissed his head.
"You rest Mulder" She whispered.
The picnic went on, laughter and light chatter filled the air. Mrs Mulder went over to her son and gathered him into her arms, he let out a sigh, looking out over the sea.
"It's pretty Fox isn't it?" she said to him.
"Yeah...Oh...Mommy I'm...scared" he sniffed.
"Don't be, shhh now, shhhh" She rocked him gently and then did something that she hadn't since he was a little boy, she sang to him.
"When you're weary
when tears are in your eyes
I'll dry them all.
I'm on your side,
when times get rough.
And friends just can't be found
like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay thee down"
She gently sang the song in his ear, and
suddenly the whimpers stopped, and she felt him relax in her
arms. The tears came rushing down her face.
"Mulder" Scully looked over at them "Fox?"
"It's all right Dana" Elizabeth whispered "he's not in pain any more, my baby isn't hurting any more" she held him tightly, "I love you Fox William, my fine, fine young boy"